Over the past couple hours today I've been thinking about my conversation with Don and where I wanted to go from there. I talked to my mom and she said she would support me either way. However the thing that helped me most make my decision today was talking to a teammate.
She asked me if swimming still makes me happy, and I said not at the moment, but when I look back on when I was doing really well, it was the happiest I've ever felt. This morning when my shin was hurting, something inside me snapped and I thought giving up was the answer.
I've come to realize that leaving the sport would just be taking the easy way out in order to avoid pain and disappointment. But everything I do in life is going to come with disappointment, I just need to learn to handle it and look further down the road to the accomplishment that I can have if I stick with it. When I'm swimming fast, I feel happy, free, and untouchable and I'm not going to let myself take away those feelings. I am in a bad place right now as I'm frustrated with my swimming, but giving up isn't the answer and as I've thought about it today it isn't going to make me happy.
I need to stop making excuses for myself to try and give myself a reason for why
I'm not as fast as I'd like to be. I think if I really try to get back into it and if I throw myself completely into swimming, I will find my love for the sport again and get the happiness I feel when I'm swimming back.
I am not ready to leave this sport yet and I don't think I will be for a long time. Something inside me is telling me that I need to keep going. I am afraid that if I put in a lot of hard work, I will end up being disappointed with the results, but I won't know that unless I try and I will always wonder "what if" if I leave now, and I don't want that. I owe myself a chance.
This teammate really helped me see why leaving isn't the answer and I'm lucky to have such a great support system, something else I don't want to leave behind. I also appreciate all the support you guys have given me over the last few years and you have made me a better and more mature person.
All I ask is that you don't give up on me, especially over these next couple weeks when I'm getting back into it. This experience today has really changed the way I look at things and has made me more committed to swimming than ever. My teammate said for the next couple weeks I just need to put everything aside and just be an athlete and enjoy swimming, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
See you Monday at the pool :)!